They stared at me, as if i had a gigantic throbbing cock growing out of my forehead, "Have you tried box breathing? Mental health walks?" All I could do was nod, "Listing triggers too..." I mumbled. "yeah" they said. Through the appointment I had a side window up on my computer, somehow the therapist listed off the top ten points that google came up with, point, by point. For dealing with intense grief, I was kinda impressed, here I was paying 150 bucks a visit for google results, I ghosted that therapist, first time doing it, I feel like I did nothing wrong. They stared at me like I wasn't there, like I was some variety of Lovecraftian mutant, too weird for sanity or words, I was already accustomed to that from family, but to PAY someone to look at me like that, I lost it, I couldn't, I've spent my entire life shaking off the vision of myself as suffering under the yoke of weird, It's quite something to be a child and feel the wei...
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I wasn't ready.
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So, this girl I loved... I met her 20 some odd years ago, there was rain, I was wet walking in, she grabbed my arm and led me outside, we danced, what else do you do? be with the moment, That's all she ever did, responded, be present, now she cant, she's lost in the the abyss, and there is nothing i wouldn't give to find her, I wouldn't be who I am without her, I still can't imagine who I'll be without her, I can't, She was a better person than I'd ever hope to be, Ever, Ever, Bukowski wrote from where he was at, I do too, I can't afford comfort women to tell me I'm ok, the baseline is too high, so I don't bother, but life, LIFE, for one reason or another, has value? I guess, sure, y'all motherfuckers don't understand how short life is, and none of you cunts understand THIS, THIS, HERE, NOW, IS ALL WE GET,
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None of you realize how dangerous the country is right now, we are the frogs in the boiling pot, the rhetoric out of the white house the last few days is exclusively focused of "the left", "trans" and continuing chucky kirks' rhetoric of hate and exclusion, the trailer park white trash fox news caucus is running America and will for the next 20 years, whatever 90's vision of America one had is gone, evaporated into a red mist of KKK rhetoric, it's gone, done. Any remote nuanced understanding of "We the people..." is woke faggot bullshit now, and god help those queers, they'll be publicly hanged for their love and all Chuck Schumer and contemporary dem leadership will do is write a letter and hide like the cowards they are, I am physically sick, I cannot read "Band of brothers" because every one of those boys that died, died for nothing. Fascism has come to America wrapped in the American flag and carrying a bible. It...
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I'm probably too drunk for this, but i'm going fot it, whether I can see the keyboard or not, but man, What in the name of goodness? so within twenty some odd years, we went from an unshakeable unity, born from the horrors of sept 11th, I can't close my eyes sometimes without seeing bodies sliding from their grip and entering the empty space, clothing flapping in the wind, seared into the consciousness, to Palantir, to Project2025, judicial branch compromised, executive flexing everything it can into authoritarianism, the house and senate crippled, I grew up on dystopian fiction, never thought I'd live it, this is Vonnegut level, a less on the nose Heinlein... You'd have thought the average American would have the critical thiking skills to stave off all of this, but alas, billions of dollars have gone into propagandizing you otherwise, and the investment has paid off, we're a captive society, capitalism is predicated on infinite growth, Earth is a finite...