They stared at me, as if i had a gigantic throbbing cock growing out of my forehead, 

"Have you tried box breathing? Mental health walks?"

All I could do was nod, 

"Listing triggers too..." I mumbled.

"yeah" they said.

Through the appointment I had a side window up on my computer, 

somehow the therapist listed off the top ten points that google came up with, point, by point.

For dealing with intense grief,

I was kinda impressed, here I was paying 150 bucks a visit for google results, 

I ghosted that therapist, 

first time doing it, 

I feel like I did nothing wrong.

They stared at me like I wasn't there, like I was some variety of Lovecraftian mutant, too weird for sanity or words,

I was already accustomed to that from family, but to PAY someone to look at me like that, I lost it, I couldn't, 

I've spent my entire life shaking off the vision of myself as suffering under the yoke of weird,

It's quite something to be a child and feel the weight of perception, to lose fine motor control from sheer overwhelming anxiety, nerves so shot you fumble and struggle, through the fog you hear giggling, and then shame washes over you, and that's your existence, you go through that enough times and it becomes home,  You lose how to be a person, it's taken many years, and many deep, deep traumas, but like Odysseus, I have found my Ithaca, and likewise, it has taken 15, 20 years, I've spent entirely too many years adrift, and to be honest I still feel at the mercy of the tides,

I can see the land, that familiar beach of my childhood, the wind carriying the warm scent of pine and sand and cool wet moss from above the tideline, metal line stoppers clanking off the flagpole with that distinctive hollow ring, 

I do not know if I'll ever make it, I'll probably be bashed upon the rocks and lost forever, 

and that's all right, 

I have seen more than some folks have seen through their entire lives, 

and there's a privilige in that,

I went from one coast to another within six months once, 

I've been in riots and hung out with doctors and met with a living legend or two, 

I can't complain, 

I'd say i'm lucky but to quote Modest Mouse: "If life's not beautiful without the pain then I would just rather never even see, beauty again..." and honestly, I get that, wholeheartedly, 

I'm so tired. 

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